Why Big Ben should be replaced by a Massive Mohammed

As a Christian, I regard it as my duty to support the rights of religious minorities and I’m proud of my patronage of the monthly British Union of Muslim Christian Understanding Meeting's (BUMCUM).

Amongst our many shared objectives is the decolonisation of our public space, and the diversification of our culture. These are noble objectives I’m sure you’d agree.

Recently, the Church of England made the overdue decision to create a Racial Justice Unit. The Archbishop of Sanctimony has personally supported the Unit's program on "Deconstructing whiteness", an exciting endeavour which I am personally keen to support.

Last week, I discussed this with my parishioners, and neither of them expressed any disapproval.

In this space, the renovation of ‘Big Ben’ has provided us with an opportunity that I would previously have described as ‘god-sent’ but have been educated to understand that this is infidel or something. 

Mohammed has become one of Britain’s most popular boys’ names, while Ben has slipped down the rankings. It is time our national monuments reflected this demographic reality.

There is no more significant statement we can make as a country to demonstrate our progress as a society and evolution from our imperialist past than to unveil the “Massive Mohammed”. It should be much bigger, clearly overlooking parliament and if possible, overlooking the entirety of London too. 

Such a move already has precedent, with our beloved Trafalgar Square column being named after Nelson Mandela, the great African liberation leader, and St Paul's Cathedral named after Paul Atreides.

It is unforgivable that the vast majority of statues in 2020's Britain are of white people. It belies a deeply racist notion that white people have made a disproportionate contribution to our shared past. 

The "Massive Mohammed" will transform such an image at a stroke and be a visual emblem of our modernity as a multicultural society. Replacing the traditional bong of Big Ben will be a new 'bang' generated by the denotation of Semtex released on the hour every hour.

I was going to show you a picture of how such a “Massive Mohammed” would look, but I’ve been warned in no uncertain times not to do this by the OMS Editors, several local imams, the Muslim Association of Britain, the Metropolitan police, the security services, and the governments of 13 Islamic countries.

It seems that the Ayatollah was particularly insistent, and mentioned the prospect of a ‘fatwa’, which I don’t quite understand but I am sure is a quaint ancient Islamic custom which I deeply respect.

The security arguments for such a move are particularly powerful. At a time when Parliament and other public buildings face the risk of Islamic terrorism, the “Massive Mohammed” will do more to discourage such attacks than programs like ‘Prevent’ or racist policies like immigration control. 

Since submission is central to Islam, a visible posture of national submission by Britain can only strengthen community cohesion and ensure lasting peace with Islamism.

It could even help Britain become as peaceful as the Middle-East.

Such a conciliatory approach is far more likely to protect parliament from attack by grievance sufferers (or as the right-wing media likes to call them ‘terrorists’).

The lack of such a conciliatory approach was undoubtedly a major contributory factor to the regrettable deconstruction of the Twin Towers 25 years ago. I fondly remember speaking to moderate Islamists after the incident, who privately opposed the felling of the second tower on 9/11 arguing that one tower was sufficient. 

Through my years of interfaith outreach work I am aware of the benefits such conciliation and respect can bring. Due to our moral pressure, it was eventually agreed by Islamic clerics that the stoning of women would no longer take place in public.

It will now be a private affair, allowing the condemned women to retain such dignity in their final moments.

I have therefore written jointly to the Prime Minister, the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Home Office urging immediate action. Britain must decide what sort of nation it wishes to be: a proud relic trapped by its own history, or a modern, inclusive society willing to replace its most recognisable landmark with something less offensive and substantially taller.

History will judge us. Hopefully leniently.