Big Ben to be replaced by ‘Massive Mohammed’ in landmark inclusivity drive

The Government is understood to be considering plans to replace Big Ben with a significantly larger monument provisionally titled “Massive Mohammed”, in what insiders describe as a bold attempt to modernise Britain’s image, both to British citizens and to potential antagonists abroad.

The proposal, reportedly developed jointly by civil servants, heritage bodies and an advisory panel on Inclusive Architecture and Historical Reparative Space (IAHRS), would see the Elizabeth Tower retained only as a “problematic educational exhibit” explaining Britain’s colonial past.

Under current plans, Massive Mohammed would stand several hundred feet taller than Big Ben and overlook Parliament, Whitehall and, according to preliminary modelling be, visible across “most of south-east England on a clear day.”

Government documents seen by the OMS reportedly describe the project as:

“A visual affirmation of Britain’s commitment to pluralism, decolonisation and multiculturalism"

The monument would replace the traditional chimes of Big Ben with hourly big bangs from semtex detonated in memory of the thousands of Islamists who have lost their lives fighting against perceived grievances.

Gus Lighter, an experienced Whitehall mandarin told the OMS:

“There has been concern for years that Big Ben centres an outdated understanding of British identity. Ben is a traditional anglophone name, and completely inappropriate for modern Britain. Mohammed better captures the demographic confidence and moral direction of modern Britain.”

The plans have received support from sections of the Church, academia and metropolitan politics.

The Mayor of London Sadiq Khan welcomed discussion of the proposal:

"London’s strength has always been its diversity. Our capital should reflect the communities who live here today, not simply those who happened to build things several centuries ago.

If Massive Mohammed encourages even one Londoner to feel more seen while reducing community tensions, then it is a conversation worth having. London's strength has always been its diversity.

We must resist divisive voices who seek to weaponise architecture. Did I mention that London's strength has always been its diversity?"

The Mayor reportedly added that he would be open to extending the Ultra Low Emission Zone around the monument “if required for community cohesion”.

Meanwhile, backbench Labour MP Anne Tagonist praised the symbolism of the scheme:

"For too long Britain has clung to exclusionary symbols rooted in hierarchy, empire and whiteness.

Massive Mohammed represents a more compassionate nation: one willing to apologise for itself and listen.

Critics ask whether replacing a thousand-year-old landmark is excessive. I would ask whether not replacing it is an act of structural harm."

The proposal has also been cautiously welcomed by Metropolitan Police Commissioner Anne Arkist, who emphasised public safety considerations.

"The Metropolitan Police continuously assess strategies for reducing community tensions.

While it would be inappropriate to speculate, visible demonstrations of cultural sensitivity may contribute positively to threat reduction outcomes.

Equally, we remind the public that criticism of hypothetical infrastructure projects should remain respectful and within the law."

She later clarified that officers would be rigorously monitoring social media for jokes about the proposed Massive Mohammed.

Sir Ender Gently, a distinguished British diplomat said it was important to consider the diplomatic implications behind such an act of submission:

"If we don't give Islamists what they want when they want, then they may threaten our freedom and democracy"