'No room for racism' not prominent enough at football

Just as the new Premier League season kicks off, the new football regulator, Offside, has decreed that the slogan 'no room for racism' is receiving insufficient coverage during Premier League football matches, and its prominence must be dramatically increased. The Director of Diversity, Equity and Inclusivity at Offside, Mr Morrell Pannick, announced the decision at a press conference held yesterday at the new offices of Offside in Hackney, North London.

Under current practice, the slogan is shown on the players' shirts, billboards and is also displayed during TV replays. Research by Offside's analytical unit suggests that fans see the slogan 'no room for racism' on average 47 times per game. This accounts for only 5% of their time watching a game, with the other 95% of the time spent observing elite athletes compete against each other in high-stakes drama. Offside have set new targets for this ratio to increase so that spectators are viewing anti-racist imagery at least 25% of the time.

Mr Pannick told the press conference:

"We simply cannot accept a situation where supporters can watch football for several consecutive minutes without being reminded that racism is bad. There are currently unacceptable periods of play where the spectator's entire visual field is occupied by football."

The failure to stamp out racism was illustrated yet again recently by the fact that Bournemouth Under-21 reserve substitute left back Carlos Kickaball, who has yet to make a first-team appearance received a nasty message on social media from an account based in Turkey. Referencing the incident, Mr Pannick solemnly declared:

"If someone from Turkey can create a social media account and send a nasty message to someone in Britain, then this proves that British society is clearly institutionally racist".

Such institutional racism persists despite ambitious anti-racism campaigns, such as 'Take the Knee' and more recent initiatives such as 'Show You're Shit' and 'Tap the Testicle'. Offside believes the continued existence of racist social-media posts demonstrates not that such campaigns have limited effectiveness, but that there have not been enough of them.

Under the new proposals by Offside, the slogan 'no room for racism' will be displayed at least 200 times per game. It is also proposed that to enter the stadium, ticket holders must repeat the slogan five times to the ticket inspector before entrance is permitted. In addition, new technology will be exploited to force TV viewers to upload a video of themselves repeating 'no room for racism' before they can access TV coverage. Viewers stating the slogan without sufficient conviction will not be allowed to watch the game.

It has further been agreed with the Professional Football Association that all players will be required to have the slogan tattooed on their arms, legs or neck, just so long as it is somewhere visible during game time. One unnamed Premier League footballer who apparently objected to getting a tattoo for religious reasons has been referred to specialist anti-racism education officers for diversity training. He has been withdrawn from selection until further notice.

Anti-racism campaigner Ray Sista supported the Offside decision:

“We need to make sure that it is literally impossible for anyone to watch a football match without having the message gouged into your eyes, thrust down your throat and fisted up your arsehole. I keep hearing people moaning that they 'just want to relax for a bit and enjoy the game'. They treat watching football like a casual weekend or evening hobby, not a primary location for ideological indoctrination"