Starmer's horse to be 'Stop Burnham' candidate

In his latest bid to stop Andy Burnham re-entering Parliament, Sir Keir Starmer is planning to run his horse as a 'Stop Burnham' candidate.

Taking his inspiration from the famous Roman Emperor Caligula's plan to make his horse, Incitatus, a consul, Starmer believes this innovative approach will be an attractive alternative for voters.

The plan was prepared after it became obvious to Number 10 that another attempt to foil Burnham through Labour's National Executive Committee would fail. Faced with the prospect of Burnham returning to Westminster, aides reportedly concluded that a more innovative intervention was required.

The horse, named Forensic, would stand as an alternative Labour candidate and join the Parliamentary Labour Party if elected. Unlike Starmer's other plans, this radical venture has achieved surprising support amongst different factions of the Labour Party.

One Special Advisor, speaking on the basis of anonymity, told the OMS "We have enough donkeys in the cabinet, and enough sheep in the parliamentary party, so why not a horse?"

An anti-Starmer backbencher, Anne Tagonist MP, previously an ally of Andy Burnham, was surprisingly open to the idea:

“The only reason most of us want Burnham back is as a stalking horse in a future leadership contest,” she explained. “But the more I think about it, an actual horse might have advantages. At the very least it wouldn’t spend every interview banging on about how fucking northern it is.”

Labour insiders insist no final decision has yet been made, although sources close to Starmer say the horse is already considered “more disciplined than most ministers.”