Company ends gender pay gap by just recruiting young men

An engineering company in the Midlands has been hailed as a model of workplace equality after abolishing its gender pay gap within a twelve month period through a pioneering approach which could be extended across the British economy.

Clifton & co were embarrassed last year when figures revealed a gender pay gap of 45%. The owners were then humiliated in parliament when they told the Gender Wealth Distribution Committee that the reason for the gap was that three male owners had created the company and developed it from scratch over twenty years, and this accounted entirely for the gap. The owners were admonished over social media for supposedly 'mansplaining' basic arithmetic to female parliamentarians.

Anne Tagonist MP called for the owners to be ‘placed on a mandatory re-education programme'. A petition to parliament spearheaded by feminist campaigner Perpetua Indignatia calling for the company to be nationalised reached 4 million. Two of the male owners were forced into hiding during the controversy, and one was filmed sobbing remorselessly outside an off-license begging for forgiveness.

In response, the company developed a radical plan which has succeeded beyond their wildest expectations. The plan, entitled ‘just recruit male graduates’ has led to the abolition of the gender pay gap reported by the company. 

The Director of Human Resources, Patricia Riarchy, who coincidentally received two promotions as part of the gender equality plan, told the OMS:

"It turns out equality reporting is based on averages rather than reality. Once we realised that, the solution became obvious. Recruiting junior male staff reduced the average male salary. Although some really well-qualified women applied to our graduate program, we felt we could not accept them as it would undermine gender equality. They are still unemployed I think"

Anne Tagonist MP, who led the clarion call last year against Clifton & Co, called for the owners to be knighted for their services to gender equality. She is urging the government to extend this policy across all graduate schemes in both the public and private sector to ensure gender parity is achieved.

Clifton & Co decline to comment, although the administrators confirmed that even in administration the company's commitment to equality remained absolute, with male and female staff now receiving exactly the same salary of £0.