Starmer to offer ‘right of first night’ to EU in return for e-gate privileges

In the latest desperate attempt to “reset” UK-EU relations, the Prime Minister has offered the historic ‘right of the first night’, an ancient tradition in which feudal lords were entitled to bed newly married brides, to the EU in return for UK citizens receiving e-gate access at EU airports.

Head of the UK delegation to the EU, Sir Ender Gently, announced this step forward at a press conference in Brussels.

“This is a creative use of ancient British traditions to resolve a painstaking diplomatic issue which has plagued UK-EU relations. It shows the enduring importance of UK soft power”

Under the arrangement, EU Commissioners and diplomats will be granted selection rights over newly married British women, who will be legally obliged under the terms of the new agreement to submit to one ‘night of passion’ with the respective dignitary.

Gus Lighter, Downing Street Advisor, who also helped broker the arrangement declared:

“For years, British holidaymakers have had to face the shame and indignity of waiting in a queue, something entirely contrary to our national culture. The years of shame and indignity are finally over.”

“This new deal will save Britons an average of 13 minutes from their two-week holiday to the Dordogne, Tuscany or Costa Brava. The cost-benefit analysis of this deal is frankly off the charts”

A statement from the Pro-EU campaign group, Brejoin, declared:

“Eurosceptics may sneer, but this deal helps us return to the heart of Europe which, despite being an island in the Atlantic, we remain inexplicably desperate to be"

A spokesperson for ‘An Independent Scotland in Europe’, Dr Juan Kerr complained about Scottish women being offered by the imperial British government, saying it was the job of the Scottish Government to do this, once they had decided what a woman was.

A further sceptical analysis was issued by Dr Joseph Kingman, Director of the impartial ‘Britain in Europe’ think tank, who cautioned:

 “No one wants to admit the grotesque power imbalance between the UK and EU, so we all have to clap like seals and pretend this is progress. Truth is - we are being fucked….so to speak”

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