Crime now legal if it’s for a left-wing cause

Campaigners have expressed delight about it was finally confirmed by The Office of Moral Superiority that crime is now legal if its supposedly justified by a ‘progressive’ cause.

Campaigning lawyer, Jolyon Moron QC, announced triumphantly:

“Juries can now refuse to convict defendants if it conflicts with their principles,……..or just general vibes or shit”.

A recent test-case concerned the criminal prosecution of the Colston statue protestors, who were found not guilty of crimes which they had literally admitted doing. Theodore Bellend-Plantagenet III, the leader of the ‘Colston Crew’ spoke to the OMS:

"We are opposed to the concept of racism. This meant we had to pick up a public monument weighing over a ton and drag it across a crowded space, potentially killing people, and then throwing it in the water, endangering sea life and requiring low-paid council workers to undertake an expensive clean-up operation. But our vibes were right."

When asked if he felt that he had a duty to face the consequences of his actions, Mr Plantagenet ignored the question and continued his speech:

“I styled myself on Nelson Mandela, who also stood up to an unjust legal system, and had to face the consequences. Or in my case not face them.”

In an interview on the BBC, the Home Secretary announced ‘it’s important in the modern world that people’s personal principles, vague beliefs, petty prejudices or just general inclinations are considered sacrosanct. So if people feel the need to express their political beliefs by direct action, then that’s admirable from my perspective. We are definitely somehow tough on crime though’

This approach was endorsed by the new Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police, Anne Arkist, who argued that:

‘It’s important that if people disagree with the elected government on issues such as climate change, foreign policy, local government restructuring or bus shelter design, they should be allowed to express such views physically. It is not emotionally healthy to repress such thoughts, and the police will not arrest you for crimes committed if you felt you had a genuine reason”.

In a debate on the BBC’s Question Time, one critic of the proposal, Conservative MP Elliott Taylor asked, “How would the people celebrating this feel if Tommy Robinson supporters burned down an asylum centre, citing this principle?"

Anne Tagonist MP, representing Labour on the panel, snorted derisibly, saying that those views were the wrong ones, so the analogy was obviously ‘stupid’.  

In unrelated news, lawyers for Ian Huntley, who murdered two schoolgirls in the early 2000s have put in a request for an acquittal as he now claimed that his attacks had been motivated by a genuine hatred of Manchester United.

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