Andy Burnham's incredible list of qualities to be revealed soon

Andy Burnham, the man who has gone from being a leader in local government to almost certainly Britain's next Prime Minister within just a few weeks, will have his incredible repertoire of personal qualities revealed 'soon' according to Labour insiders.

After a disastrous performance in May's local government elections, and with no sign of Sir Keir Starmer's poll ratings ever being recoverable, the Labour Party has demonstrated an unusual degree of consensus by uniting behind the Mayor of Manchester as a challenger.

One Labour MP, speaking anonymously, told the OMS:

I don't know what the question is. But I know the answer. It's Andy Burnham!

Such enthusiasm for Andy Burnham has stretched far beyond politics.

On a recent edition of 'Who wants to be a millionaire', several contestants were confused by the absence of 'Andy Burnham' as an answer to every question.

Football fans were equally surprised that he was not available as a late substitute as England struggled to break the deadlock against Ghana in the World Cup. Fans have disagreed over whether Burnham should be used as a solution to England's right back problem or whether he is needed further forward as a wide creator.

Pundits meanwhile have identified Burnham's key strength to be his ability to move from the right wing to the left wing, and then back again, whilst sometimes picking up positions in the middle.

"His positional flexibility will confuse opponents, although this may confuse members of his own team too."

Just as the Admiralty broadcast 'Winston is back' to the Navy in 1939, so Whitehall will reportedly announce 'Burnham is back' across the Civil Service. Officials retain fond memories of his previous period in government, although nobody can remember anything he actually achieved.

Andy Burnham's seemingly inevitable rise to power has occurred in parallel with a glaring absence of apparent qualities which make him fit to manage the world's fifth biggest economy and command an arsenal of nuclear weapons.

When asked for specifics, Labour MPs resort to him being 'from the north', 'liking football', 'being a bit blokey', and 'being from the north of England'. One policy nerd made a vague reference to 'buses', but could not adequately explain how this equipped Burnham to outwit Trump, Putin or Xi Jinping.

In private, not all Labour MPs are convinced. Some have developed a radical plot for an MP to stand down and allow David Miliband to enter parliament and challenge Andy Burnham for the leadership later this year.