Working class vote in wrong way say middle class experts

‘Working class’ people are incapable of voting in their own interests, according to a landmark report by a committee of middle-class experts.

The report, 'Plebs: Why can't they vote for people like us' was released yesterday by the Society for Monitoring Underclass Grunts (SMUG).

It followed a six-month investigation during which the committee members undertook strenuous fact-finding missions to locations including Blackburn, Grimsby, Merthyr and, in one particularly dangerous excursion, Govan.

One committee member, Louis Attenborough, famous for his documentaries on the 'working class', described the following events during one of the committee's safaris into the suburbs of Grimsby:

"We walked around a council estate, once security had cleared the area of potential hostiles, obviously. We saw multitudes of 'St George flags', widely recognised by experts as an indicator of low intelligence and an attempt to intimidate people from global majority heritage.

At one point, a shirtless male emerged onto a balcony holding a can of Stella, which the team later identified as a form of territorial display.

We did not get too close to the flats for obvious security reasons, but we could hear TV's through the window broadcasting some form of sporting ritual. There were occasional chants which we could not quite make out such as "Ing-er-land, Ing-er-land" and "Three Ryans on a Shirt".

Occasionally you'd hear frustrated groans or loud screams echoing across the estates from the different flats simultaneously. It would happen randomly to us without any forewarning, suggesting a previously undocumented capacity for coordinated behaviour. These people are not as stupid as many believe".

The academic member of the committee, Professor Hugh Miliate said the explanation for the discrepancy between the voters actions and their actual interests as determined by the committee was called 'false consciousness':

“False consciousness is a highly sophisticated theory which, by its nature, cannot be understood by those suffering from it.”

Professor Miliate, a leading member of the Fabian Society, recommended the implementation of ‘guided voting’, whereby a panel of academics and social workers would gently assist voters in selecting the correct option.

Anne Tagonist MP, the Labour member of the Committee told the OMS:

"I'm not trying to patronise them but sometimes they lack the intellectual or moral capacity to make appropriate judgements".

The same committee is expected to begin a second phase of research later this year, focusing on the perceived lack of self-awareness amongst the working class. The provisional title is 'The working class: Do they know how they appear to others'.

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